A Weeping Heart

Another star forms. Another life begins in a new dimension. This is majesty – to transform. A soulful being starts anew, moves beyond physical confines.

Then, why am I extraordinarily sad?

Daddy died yesterday. He had a painful journey becoming a shell of a human being, but that mattered not to me. Why? He was still here.

He never complained about that horrid journey either. I guess I got that trait from him.

I prayed for many months that he would be restored to his rambunctious and quippish self. It never happened. Only the decline continued unabashedly and unabatedly. It was not until a couple of weeks ago that I came to terms with the eventuality of Daddy's transformation.

My prayers transformed into requests for a peaceful and loving homecoming. One where each of his siblings, totaling 9 now, are there to welcome him and shower him with Love. I prayed that his parents, extended family, and friends in this realm pay tribute, respect, and envelope him in affection.

It was a long, slow journey to the end. Daddy had a massive stroke about a year ago. The stroke attacked the right side of his brain and paralyzed the left side of his body. The doctor’s told my mother and I that he would never be the same. Yet, after that stroke, he was very alert, could speak, and reason.

We did not accept this. We knew Daddy. He was as stubborn as an ox. He had strokes before and recovered nearly whole. Why would this one be so different? One stroke in particular rendered him unconscious for weeks, and he gradually bounced back. It took him awhile, and there was a lot of rehabilitation. Yet, he came back.

Though, I think deep down inside I knew. I knew this one was "the" one. I will never forget when I first saw him after this last powerful stroke. I hugged him and he raised his only moving arm, found my hand, and clasped it solid. My heart was in my throat. We never exchanged words. We just held each other's hand.

The sustained trauma of this stroke crystalized the reality. Month after agonizing month, the truth revealed. He will never recover. Yet, my hope and prayers flowed fervently.

It’s odd how Mom and I came to the same place at the same time. We never uttered a word about letting go until we were both standing at the precipice.

Of late, I questioned ardently why we live if only to die. I used to think, "I know this answer," but I find myself with a complete loss of reason. I know what the Good Book and Sunday School taught us. Yet, when it comes right down to it, it simply does not make sense. Well, at least, not right now.

I’m certain I will get an answer. I always do for a ponder, wonder, and wander.

Yesterday, I said I was going to transform my blog into an image inspiration notebook.

The need to write about my Dad was bigger than me.

I will conclude my feelings with a quasi streaming consciousness poem.

Daddy,

You lived and loved.

And you picked the right beloved.

You supported and praised.

You believed in family even with their unfriendly ways.

You taught me dedication and stamina to boot.

You found things to laugh at and were a real hoot.

You loved learning and had a passion for singing.

On the latter, I will forgive.

The mere thought of those crazy notes you hit send my ears a ringing.

Ting a ling, a ling, ling.

You gave back to the whole family no matter the cost.

I will miss you, mourn you, and know our loss.

At last, you feel no more pain.

‘Cause you have moved to a higher plane.

May you walk among the stars forever.

For that is your rightful place.

We take peace in knowing your spirit dawns a new face.

May the wings of Love keep you above the clouds and catapult you beyond the skies of low.

A new journey begins…

Let us in the now remember you as the man you were

and the soul that graced us to know.

Daddy, I Love You Always.

Kaja